by EMERSON SLOANE
How to write a column in defense of etiquette without sounding like a tight ass? Not an easy feat. I was raised with a set of manners and with a framework of social etiquette that is just part of who I am day to day. I was taught to take butter from the butter dish with my knife and put it on my bread plate before buttering bread. No knives in the jelly, only spoons. Use a big spoon with the fork to twirl your spaghetti into so you don't slurp the noodles. Forks on the left. Knives on the right. How do you remember? Fork has four letters and so does left. And, if you're unsure of how to eat something at the table, wait. Look at the host to see what he or she is doing, first.
Nobody gets up from the table until everyone is finished eating. Women go through the door first. Introduce younger people to older people first. Say "you're welcome," not "sure," or "mmhmm!" or, the worst, "no problem!" I was taught to dress correctly for the right occasion because occasions by themselves deserve respect. So, that meant no jeans at weddings, and definitely a tie. When someone invites you to their wedding, for example, you're honoring it. Always bring a little something as a gift when you're invited to dinner, and never show up early or stay too late, when you are invited. Thank you notes are required and don't wait until the last minute to respond to invitations. Acknowledge people with "Hello" or "Good morning," when you see them no matter if you like them or not. People deserve basic respect. When it's part of your life, you don't have to really think about it much.
But, not everything is a formal dinner or wedding or other momentous occasion. Still, manners exist there, too. Ask before you take. If your kids are screaming, remove them. You don't have to have the best or most expensive clothing, but make sure your clothes are clean and pressed. Make eye contact with people. Apologize gracefully. Win humbly.
Now, more than ever, you see people who are uncomfortable at events, either because they aren't dressed for them (and that can mean too much or too little), or they're not sure how to act in mixed company or, if anyone ever even has a dinner party anymore, many are unsure of how to act at the table and, therefore, children are not being raised with table etiquette. More are unsure of how to host a party, at all. So, in the absence of the knowledge and structure of social etiquette and manners, everything has turned...casual, or worse.
It's unacceptable, to me. Not knowing isn't a reason to throw it out. Not knowing also is no good reason to deride those who do know and choose to live in a world of manners. Manners and etiquette don't have to mean white ties and evening gowns, although, often, when you mention the word, people wrinkle their noses and shrug their shoulders as if they'll never have any use for any of it. To others, manners mean simply saying "please," or "thank you" and while that's a definite foundation, there's more to manners than that.
When I mention the etiquette of certain situations to people and that look comes across their faces, I try to put it as simply as possible in definition. Etiquette makes everyone comfortable and etiquette puts everyone, regardless of how much money they have or how much experience they have in social situations, on the same playing field. If everyone knows how to act and if everyone knows what's expected of them in social situations, then nobody can be made to feel uncomfortable, out of place, or excluded from...anything. Manners are not the exclusive property of any group. And, since my philosophy as a publisher and writer, and above all that, simply as a person, has always been about breaking down barriers to things, including the arts, literature, and culture of art and living, I'm the last person in the world to look at etiquette and manners as something to keep people out. When people talk to me about the "wrong" kind of people at events, they quickly find themselves off my guest lists and out of my social circle. Etiquette used as a social weapon is just plain rudeness. That behavior lacks virtue. Etiquette exists to make people comfortable.
Most of etiquette is self control and kindness. Most people vaguely know of manners and etiquette being taught at "finishing schools" but manners were routinely taught in school until the early 1900s. Etiquette is in our workplaces, too. About half of hiring managers consistently say they look poorly on people who show up for interviews in non-traditional attire. There are certain unwritten rules we hear from time to time about that--"don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want," etc. Workplace casual has, in my opinion, made the workplace less professional. It's important to dress for work because it's not home and we're hired to do a job. Dress the part. It makes your work sharper and you communications more effective. I also think we're kinder and more courteous to each other when we recognize that work is an occasion separate from our personal, intimate interactions outside of work. The more we blur the line with manners and wardrobe between work and the rest of our life, the more apt we are to forget that work is not a place to act casually.
We value and set forth a certain set of manners, dress, and style at Haven. While we may show you expensive clothing, you need not buy thousands of dollars in suits, ties, and shoes to make the right presentation. Magazines like Haven offer ideals and are what they are: aspirations. You can find a $20 tie or you can pick one up at a second-hand store. Or, if you can afford it, go ahead and buy one for a few hundred dollars. But, the goal is that everyone has a tie at an event that requires formal dress, so nobody feels out of place. If everyone is introduced properly and timely to each other at a gathering, nobody has to feel awkward about what to say. If you know what spoon is being used or what fork is being used at your table, you can dedicate your time to talking to the people around you and having a good time. If you bring your host a gift (no matter the cost) you don't have to wonder if you should bring something or not and feel anxious about any of it.
As our culture changes, so do our societal expectations. But, there are mainstays. That's what we'll talk about here at Haven on this etiquette field guide page. We won't purse our lips, but we will, at least digitally, take you aside and let you know what's expected. We'll talk about business etiquette for young professionals. We'll talk about teaching your children manners that will stand them in good stead as they grow. We'll talk about how to be a great houseguest and everything in between from parties and special occasions to just one-on-one interactions. Not because you are uncultured--but because you should be comfortable. When you're comfortable and confident in any situation, you can be free to be yourself
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