Etiquette | Modern Baby Showers and Social Introductions

by EMERSON SLOANE

We're happy to start the first of our etiquette and manners columns here at Haven, where we will answer your questions about events, table etiquette, party etiquette, gift-giving, and professional etiquette, as well.  If you have a question you would like answered or something to suggest that we write about in the areas of manners and etiquette, we've included a place at the end of this column for you to reach us.

 

Question

"I think baby showers should be kept traditional and that they should be reserved for the mother-to-be and her close friends and female family.  It's such a joy to discover you'll be a new mother and I think it's safe and helpful for women to bond in this way--to help an expectant mother feel special and part of a long line of women who give birth to our children.  Do you think I'm out of touch?"

Answer

There's nothing wrong with being traditional.  Hell, lots of what we talk about here in etiquette columns celebrates the traditional aspects of our social culture.  From the proper way to address people to the proper gifts to bring to celebratory events, we bend strongly toward tradition.  I don't think you're out of touch; but I do think you could bend a little toward being progressive.  Personally, I think the joyous news of a new arrival in a family is something to be celebrated by both expectant parents.  A baby shower should be about family and friends.  And, I also have to say that fathers have often been pushed to the sidelines in much of the months following the "We're having a baby" announcements.  If a society is to value fatherhood and expect men to stand up to their responsibilities, we have to take steps to include men more in the social aspects of welcoming a new baby into the world.

Also, I think today's savvy moms-to-be and fathers-to-be wouldn't mind dispensing with the silly baby shower games that we seem to perpetuate decade after decade.  A close female friend of mine told me recently that she practically dreaded being invited to one more baby shower and having to do something with cotton balls or melted chocolate bars in a baby diaper.  A celebratory dinner, with an exchange of gifts and perhaps even other parents regaling the expectant couple with their more humorous and poignant moments of parenthood would be a smashing evening.  Take it up a notch--signature drinks and pub style games, if you're inclined to games.  The tradition is not in the party or who's invited--it's in celebrating the news of a new life coming into the world and that means fathers and mothers and friends, too.

Question

"What's the proper way to introduce people to each other at events?  I remember my grandma years ago stressing how important it is to make sure people are introduced to each other.  What's the proper etiquette?"  

Answer

There are fewer things more awkward at a party or other event than chatting with a friend and then someone else walks up to say hello to your friend and you're left hanging there with drink in hand, smiling weakly and looking around while two people who know each other already talk and talk and talk and talk.  It's the polite thing to immediately introduce people to each other.  In social settings, the proper thing to do is, when one is younger and one is older, to introduce the younger person to the older person and not the other way around.  You should say to the younger or lower ranking person, "Mrs. Jones, I'd like you to meet..." or "Jane Jones, please let me introduce...."  Then, you say the name of the person being introduced.  It's nice, then, to add a couple of interesting details about one to the other.  At a business function, introduce the lower ranking employee to higher-ups.  Introductory etiquette, like all manners, is about making people feel comfortable.  If everyone knows the expected ways of doing things, nobody feels out of place, no matter how young or how junior in rank, or inexperienced in social occasions.

Got a question for us?  Or do you have a subject you think needs to be covered in manners and etiquette?  We're happy to hear from you!

© 2015 Haven Style.

The Lost Art of the Host(ess) Gift

by BRIAN BURKE 

Times used to be that you didn't dare show up at a dinner party or other gathering at someone's home without a gift in hand.  Seriously.  My mom would rather be late than giftless and a friend of hers kept a pantry shelf full of gifts for dinner parties "just in case" she didn't know what to bring for a first-time invitation to someone's home she didn't know well. While that may seem impersonal, it just shows that the custom was more important.  

Now, when invited for dinner or to a party somewhere, we're told, "Oh, don't bring anything!" or we're asked to bring our own libations or a bag of chips.  Our world has become more casual, to a detriment.  We've sloughed off the art of decorum, of manners, etiquette, and social equilibrium.  Manners and protocol do not set apart people as being better or worse than another; rather, it levels the playing field.  So, laugh, if you will, at social conventions.  But, I'll tell you that the world is full of more questions and more rude behavior for the lack of them.  If being a social contrarian is your thing, by all means, save us all the annoyance by staying home and eating a bowl of cereal over the sink. 

When you're invited into someone's home, it's a gift of their time, space, and service.  You bring a gift of appreciation.  You need not break out the most expensive catalogues you have nor spend more than you can comfortably afford as a "show" of appreciation.  If your budget does not allow you the luxury of higher-end gifts, that's never a problem and was never the goal of host gifts, anyway.  It's about intentional appreciation.  And now that as many men as women throw dinner parties and other get-togethers, the gifts aren't limited to hostesses.  That's why I'll refer to both male and females here as hosts. 

Be thoughtful.  The best gift is useful and unexpected.  If you're invited for dinner, a bottle of the host's favorite wine is a thoughtful gesture and perhaps an arrangement of his or her partner's favorite flowers.  If you're not sure, don't be lazy.  Ask a friend in common.  Someone will be able to give you an inkling of what's preferred in their house. 

If you have enough lead time, your gift can be something useful and unexpected and it will also keep them talking for a while.  If you know your host entertains often or corresponds often by post, a gift of understated stationery can be a nice touch.  Personalized or not, you may save your host a trip for thank you notes.  And a gift of stationery need not be as high-end as Tiffany and Co. but the option is there. A simple trip to Trader Joe's for example, can yield a foodie a multitude of host gift possibilities.  An arrangement of international cheeses, caviar, unique sauces, or exotic packaged meats can be an unexpected addition to the host's pantry, much appreciated once you've gone. 

A book from the host's favorite genre, or an artsy coffee table book is thoughtful, especially if you're an overnight guest or a weekend guest, depending on the interests of your host.  An assortment of decorative soaps or lotions, or even a tasty pot of jam are affordable, considerate offerings of appreciation.  Another current trend, if your host is a fan, is a board game they might not have yet. 

Men like gadgets and information, so you can tailor your gifts to a man's interests.  A set of shot glasses, a shaker, or something for the bar is a safe bet along with anything monogrammed, for more special occasions.  Books on wines, and liquors are also a good idea.  If you can, tickets to a game or performing arts event like the theatre or symphony are also winners. 

The best host gift was something familiar with the host's interests and passions but maybe something he or she might not go out and purchase for him or herself.  The point is to be intentional and thoughtful.  And, even if you haven't a dime to spend on your tight budget, you can always get a nice card and write, simply, "You always throw such great parties, but the next party, the cleaning up is on me. So just relax and enjoy." With a note like that, who could be offended? Everyone loves a party, but no one likes to clean up after one. 

One thing that is not negotiable, however, is the thank you note.  Drop one, in writing, mind you, in the mail the next day. 
 

© 2015 Haven Style.

Manners | At Table, Part One

The Language of Flatware

Of all the traditional guidelines for handling a fork, knife, and spoon, two are especially useful.  If you pause during the meal, set your fork on the left side of your plate, with the tines down, and the knife on the right, with the sharp edge facing in.  When you're done, set your knife and fork beside one another on the right side of your plate, fork tines facing up or down.

Yes, You Can Cut Your Salad

The lingering resistance dates back to the time when knife blades were made of silver, which interacted with the vinegar in the dressing.  Today, since most flatware is stainless steel, cutting your salad is a matter of personal preference.

Napkins

When excusing yourself from the table during a meal or between courses, place your napkin on your seat or the arm of your chair.  Leave the table napkin free.  When you're done with the meal, simply leave your napkin to the left of the place setting.  If the plates have already been cleared, then place your napkin neatly on the table in front of you, but not as originally folded.

Portions

Unless you've just bicycled fifty miles and are ravenous, start with moderate portions.  You can always take seconds when they're offered, but when you do be sure to compliment the cook.  Leaving food on your plate is not a sign of good manners; but eating what you've served yourself is.  Take small portions of everything.  Overcooked, undercooked, burnt, and zealously spiced are not good reasons to pass up a dish, unless, of course, you're allergic.

Drinks

When serving wine for a dinner party, estimate one bottle of wine for every two people.  Even if you wind up with extra, it's better than not having enough.  Set out glasses for each type of wine you plan to serve.  White before red, and dry before sweet is traditional.  For room temperature wines, hold wineglasses or goblets under the bowl.  Chilled wines (whites and rosés) should be held by the stem of the glass.  As for champagne, choose the base or the stem, depending on your glassware.

First Date Flowers | A Primer by Sara Balmer

(Editor’s note:  I asked Sara, a friend of mine and owner of The Florista, where she is a floral artist and designer, to weigh in on this subject after I read an article posted to Facebook about ten “old-fashioned” things that should make a comeback in the world of dating.  After I reposted the article to my Facebook page, a debate with two male friends of mine ensued about whether or not they would ever feel comfortable bringing flowers on a first date–one of the things the author of the article mentioned as something quite necessary and fitting.  I happened to agree with the writer.  Flowers are all about proportion–as are most things in life.  One wouldn’t bring a dozen red roses on a first date, but we believe you should and could bring something.  Here’s our take on what you can safely show up with when you embark on that first date. – DK)

Ranunculus

by SARA BALMER

First dates are all about impressions and most of us have had great first dates and not so great first dates. So what is the etiquette when it comes to bringing your date flowers and what is tasteful and what isn’t? 

The first thing to consider is what kind of date you will be going on. If you’re picking your date up for the first time, by all means bring flowers!

The flowers chosen don’t have to be fancy or extravagant, in fact choosing just one flower is adequate and will be well received. If your date is meeting you at a destination, a flower or wrapped bouquet is appropriate so long as water tubes are used and there isn’t a lot of walking involved where your date has to lug around a bouquet for the duration of your time together.

Plan your day accordingly before your big date and stop by your local flower shop and ask a designer what is in season and beautiful. I suggest choosing something that you either really like or that you think your date will like. Is the male or female you’re taking out a classic type? If so, roses are a very common choice, but don’t choose red, ask for a variegated high petal count variety. Some of my favorite roses are Cherry Brandy, Amnesia, Green Fashion and Free Spirit. If you want to step out of the realm of boring for your classic date, then choose a different flower type such as hydrangea, or a bunch of tulips. If your date is the intellectual artsy type, choose something along the lines of a protea stem, colored mini calla lillies, ranunculus or even thistle with some interesting foliages wrapped loosely.

If you’re looking to set a very romantic tone for your date I’d suggest choosing something soft, lush and fragrant like peonies, english garden roses, hyacinth, freesia or heather. A soft palette of peaches, pinks, purples, grays, whites and creams screams of the French country side, and what is more romantic than that?

Farmer’s markets are filled with excellent quality blooms and some of the vendors have hand tied bouquets ready for purchase for under $10. Sunflowers, zinneas or gladiolus are a great casual choice for a casual gal or fella.

Steer clear of gas station and grocery store mixed bouquets. Better to buy one flower, even just one carnation, than give a bouquet that looks like a circus or a rainbow.

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Sara Balmer is a style editor for Haven Styleguide and the owner, floral designer, and artistic director of The Florista.  

© 2015 Haven Style.  All rights reserved.

Interview Etiquette | Thank you notes

by EMERSON SLOANE

These days, people have multiple interviews for jobs and communications are mostly by email, or sometimes you don't hear anything at all, if you didn't get a job for which you applied.  But whether you're just entering the job force after college or if you've been looking for work after being laid off, or even if you're just going through a career change and looking for something completely different, sending a thank you note to the people who interview you for the positions for which you've applied is the right thing to do.  And by sending a thank you, we mean not by email.  Go to a stationery store or pick up a pack of blank note cards at a department store and write them by hand, stamp them, and send them out by post.

Send a thank you to the person who interviewed you.  Not only is this good manners, but it helps the interviewer keep you in mind when he or she is making a decision as to whom to hire.  Send your thank you within a day of being interviewed.

But, what if you're being headhunted or recruited for a position by several companies?  Should you send thank you notes to the recruiters even if you've not formally applied on your own for any position?  Yes.  Even if you're not interested at the time, send a thank you note.  It's good manners, and it leaves a favorable impression about you, your courtesy, and your ability to follow through.  It also shows you care about details.  

If you've interviewed for several companies and if you have multiple offers, send thank you notes to the places you've declined.  Direct your thank you note to the person who makes the final hiring decision and thank them for the offer, for the time he or she spent with you.  And yes, do this even though you already sent them a thank you note after you had your interview.  Keep it simple.  Explain that you've accepted another position.  You don't need to go into any details or justify your decision.  

And, even though it's not the ideal situation, if you've been turned down for a job for which you applied, still send a thank you note again.  It's likely you'll receive a notice that they've offered the position to another candidate by email.  Nevertheless, respond with a hand-written thank you note thanking the person for the time they spent with you and for considering you for the position.

Start your good reputation right away when you start out in the business world or when you're switching gears into a new career path.  People don't forget details or your thoughtfulness.  You never know when that thank you note...that personal touch...will work in your favor down the road.

© 2015 Haven Style.  All rights reserved.

In Defense of Etiquette

by EMERSON SLOANE

How to write a column in defense of etiquette without sounding like a tight ass?  Not an easy feat.  I was raised with a set of manners and with a framework of social etiquette that is just part of who I am day to day.  I was taught to take butter from the butter dish with my knife and put it on my bread plate before buttering bread.  No knives in the jelly, only spoons.  Use a big spoon with the fork to twirl your spaghetti into so you don't slurp the noodles.  Forks on the left.  Knives on the right.  How do you remember?  Fork has four letters and so does left.  And, if you're unsure of how to eat something at the table, wait.  Look at the host to see what he or she is doing, first.  

Nobody gets up from the table until everyone is finished eating.  Women go through the door first.  Introduce younger people to older people first.  Say "you're welcome," not "sure," or "mmhmm!" or, the worst, "no problem!"  I was taught to dress correctly for the right occasion because occasions by themselves deserve respect.  So, that meant no jeans at weddings, and definitely a tie.  When someone invites you to their wedding, for example, you're honoring it.  Always bring a little something as a gift when you're invited to dinner, and never show up early or stay too late, when you are invited.  Thank you notes are required and don't wait until the last minute to respond to invitations.  Acknowledge people with "Hello" or "Good morning," when you see them no matter if you like them or not.  People deserve basic respect.  When it's part of your life, you don't have to really think about it much.

But, not everything is a formal dinner or wedding or other momentous occasion.  Still, manners exist there, too.  Ask before you take.  If your kids are screaming, remove them.  You don't have to have the best or most expensive clothing, but make sure your clothes are clean and pressed.  Make eye contact with people.  Apologize gracefully.  Win humbly.

Now, more than ever, you see people who are uncomfortable at events, either because they aren't dressed for them (and that can mean too much or too little), or they're not sure how to act in mixed company or, if anyone ever even has a dinner party anymore, many are unsure of how to act at the table and, therefore, children are not being raised with table etiquette.  More are unsure of how to host a party, at all.  So, in the absence of the knowledge and structure of social etiquette and manners, everything has turned...casual, or worse.

It's unacceptable, to me.  Not knowing isn't a reason to throw it out.  Not knowing also is no good reason to deride those who do know and choose to live in a world of manners.  Manners and etiquette don't have to mean white ties and evening gowns, although, often, when you mention the word, people wrinkle their noses and shrug their shoulders as if they'll never have any use for any of it.  To others, manners mean simply saying "please," or "thank you" and while that's a definite foundation, there's more to manners than that.

When I mention the etiquette of certain situations to people and that look comes across their faces, I try to put it as simply as possible in definition.  Etiquette makes everyone comfortable and etiquette puts everyone, regardless of how much money they have or how much experience they have in social situations, on the same playing field.  If everyone knows how to act and if everyone knows what's expected of them in social situations, then nobody can be made to feel uncomfortable, out of place, or excluded from...anything.  Manners are not the exclusive property of any group.  And, since my philosophy as a publisher and writer, and above all that, simply as a person, has always been about breaking down barriers to things, including the arts, literature, and culture of art and living, I'm the last person in the world to look at etiquette and manners as something to keep people out.  When people talk to me about the "wrong" kind of people at events, they quickly find themselves off my guest lists and out of my social circle.  Etiquette used as a social weapon is just plain rudeness.  That behavior lacks virtue. Etiquette exists to make people comfortable.

Most of etiquette is self control and kindness.  Most people vaguely know of manners and etiquette being taught at "finishing schools" but manners were routinely taught in school until the early 1900s.  Etiquette is in our workplaces, too.  About half of hiring managers consistently say they look poorly on people who show up for interviews in non-traditional attire.  There are certain unwritten rules we hear from time to time about that--"don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want," etc.  Workplace casual has, in my opinion, made the workplace less professional.  It's important to dress for work because it's not home and we're hired to do a job. Dress the part.  It makes your work sharper and you communications more effective.  I also think we're kinder and more courteous to each other when we recognize that work is an occasion separate from our personal, intimate interactions outside of work.  The more we blur the line with manners and wardrobe between work and the rest of our life, the more apt we are to forget that work is not a place to act casually.

We value and set forth a certain set of manners, dress, and style at Haven.  While we may show you expensive clothing, you need not buy thousands of dollars in suits, ties, and shoes to make the right presentation.  Magazines like Haven offer ideals and are what they are:  aspirations.  You can find a $20 tie or you can pick one up at a second-hand store. Or, if you can afford it, go ahead and buy one for a few hundred dollars.  But, the goal is that everyone has a tie at an event that requires formal dress, so nobody feels out of place.  If everyone is introduced properly and timely to each other at a gathering, nobody has to feel awkward about what to say.  If you know what spoon is being used or what fork is being used at your table, you can dedicate your time to talking to the people around you and having a good time.  If you bring your host a gift (no matter the cost) you don't have to wonder if you should bring something or not and feel anxious about any of it.

As our culture changes, so do our societal expectations.  But, there are mainstays.  That's what we'll talk about here at Haven on this etiquette field guide page.  We won't purse our lips, but we will, at least digitally, take you aside and let you know what's expected.  We'll talk about business etiquette for young professionals.  We'll talk about teaching your children manners that will stand them in good stead as they grow.  We'll talk about how to be a great houseguest and everything in between from parties and special occasions to just one-on-one interactions.  Not because you are uncultured--but because you should be comfortable.  When you're comfortable and confident in any situation, you can be free to be yourself
 

© 2015 Haven Style.  All rights reserved.

Readers' Questions | For table decorating, are votives over?

by BRIDGET DONAHUE

Elizabeth from Colorado asks us,

"Is it considered unsophisticated to use votives as part of table decorations at events these days?"

Certainly not.  What you can do to give them a brush-up is use them in interesting containers, although, the simple clear votive holder will never go out of style.  But, you can use small lanterns and other visually appealing and varied options that go with the theme of your table setting.  And, yes, your table setting should always have a concept.  

Remember that the only hard and fast rules of setting your table are these: you need something to put food on and drinks in, you need something to serve them out of, and you need something to serve them.  The rest is all your imagination.  

I've always loved the use of votives, even in their simplest clear votive cups.  Here's why you should never stop using them:  Scatter votives around the food at your table.  Fill all the water glasses to their brims with ice before guests are seated.  Make sure plenty of votives are around the flowers at your table.  The light shining up from those votives will make the water glasses twinkle and they will serve another purpose in lighting up your flowers and the food you serve in beautiful and flattering ways.  It'll make your guests look amazing, too.  Everything and everybody looks beautiful in reflected candlelight.  Beauty never goes out of style.  

© 2015 Haven Style.  All rights reserved.

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New to the Symphony? Concert Etiquette You Can Count On

by EMERSON. SLOANE

Going out for the evening to enjoy the symphony is an event.  Even if you are a seasoned season ticket holder, there’s a certain sense of ceremony that goes with being in the concert hall.  If you’ve never been, the important thing, above all else, is to take in, enjoy, and love the music you’ll hear…live.  No matter how many times you’ve listened to classical music on the radio or on your phone, or other player, nothing can match the aural experience of sitting in an auditorium and listening to symphonic music.  That’s the way, of course, it was meant to be experienced.  Recorded music, while a convenient means of getting music out to more people, was not taken into consideration when the composers of our more memorable works of classical music wrote.  

In Western civilisation, we’ve dressed down considerably in recent decades when it comes to attending cultural events.  At Haven, however, we advocate at least business casual dress if you’re going out to the symphony.  For guys, dress pants and a dress shirt are acceptable minimal attire.  Honor the art form and the occasion by dressing in something other than street clothes.  From the minimal attire, you can go anywhere above that you wish.  

Arrive on time.  In fact, arrive before time.  You’ll have to consider parking. You’ll have to account for people waiting in line to buy tickets or getting their tickets scanned at the door.  Once inside the lobby, check your coat (leave a tip of at least a dollar) go to the restroom, grab a program and find your seat.  This is why you want to leave yourself enough time.  Arrive inside the building no later than 20 minutes early.  It’s disruptive to the seated audience and disrespectful to the orchestra to walk in late.  Ushers will usually not seat you if you’re late until there is a pause or between movements during the performance.  Besides the fact that it's rude to arrive late, do yourself a favor and get there early so you can get ready for the concert.  Once you are in your seat, relax.  There's a mental preparation for the music.  If you're rushed, if you're worried, if you're fidgeting to get your phone turned off, you aren't in a mental place to enjoy the music.  

Obviously, silence your phone if you don’t want to turn it off completely.  And put it away in your purse or pocket. Don’t freak out.  You can check to see if you’ve gotten any text messages or Facebook notifications at the intermission.  Please don't look at your phone during the performance.  The light from your screen is distracting to others enjoying the concert.

You will see the concertmaster come on stage first.  Applaud.  The concertmaster will “tune” the orchestra on stage briefly to get it ready for the conductor.  When the concertmaster sits, the conductor will follow.  Applaud.  If there are announcements or remarks from the conductor, he or she will usually exit the stage after and then re-emerge right after to take the podium for the performance.  Yes, applaud, again.

The convention of silence during performances developed during the 19th century.  Before, composers such as Mozart delighted in spontaneous applause from audiences listening to his works.  Today, however, it is customary to hold your applause until the entire piece of music is finished.  It is very tempting, though, to applaud after a particularly exceptional or rousing movement.  Avoid it, although we think the rules on applause should be relaxed to let people express their pleasure with soloists or with delightful or familiar movements within the symphony.  But, as a rule of thumb, when there’s a pause, that means the orchestra is finished with one movement and ready to go to the next.  It is not a pause for applause.  You’ll know when to applaud simply by looking at your program to see how many movements there are (usually 3-4) or take your cue from the conductor, a more reliable guide.  The conductor will usually signal the end of a performance by lowering his arms to his side – and that may occur several seconds after the orchestra has ceased playing, allowing the audience to hold the mood of the piece of music briefly before applause.

At intermission, you may get up from your seat or you may choose to stay seated.  If you’re out in the lobby, the lights will dim briefly, signaling that intermission is nearly over.  Take your seat again in the auditorium at that time, if you haven’t already.

Relax.  The first half of the performance is about an hour long.  Enjoy the experience and avoid fidgeting or reading your program.  After intermission, you’ll be treated with the featured performance of the evening.

If you’re feeling under the weather, it’s likely you’ll have to cough.  Coughing can be an unavoidable problem, but you can do things to avoid coughing during the music.  Consider drinking a bottle of water before going into the auditorium.  Bring some unwrapped cough drops into the auditorium with you.  If you do have to cough, wait for a loud passage of music or in between movements.  An un-muffled cough can be louder than any musical instrument.

No pictures or any other type of recording.  Even if your best friend is in the orchestra or in the chorus accompanying the orchestra.

Going to the symphony should be a culturally uplifting experience.  Knowing the established conventions will make your evening more comfortable.  Rather than manners and etiquette being perceived as something "other" people do or existing only for a certain kind of people, we should realize that etiquette is the great social equalizer.  It puts everyone on the same footing, no matter what.

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Why Dinner Parties Matter

by EMRSON SLOANE

Although we have more outlets than ever before for information and for knowing and interacting with people--Facebook, FaceTime, Skype, and all the other wondrous advantages of modern technology, we are, quite honestly, a socially impoverished nation.

What do I mean by that?  I mean it in the context of gatherings.  Not the potluck at work.  Not the dinner, drinks, or cup of coffee you have with a friend or two.  Not the birthday party outing, either.  What I mean is the extinction of the dinner party.

A few years ago, my friend Carolyn invited a group of her friends to her home for an honest to goodness dinner party.  She served Boeuf Bourguignon and Panzanella and it was divine to sit around the table with people I already enjoyed and with new people I had yet to discover.  We dressed for it.  Not ties and cocktail dresses, but we dressed a notch higher than street clothes.  We enjoyed wines and the time passed breezily as we talked theater---who was doing what, what were the latest bits of gossip, and what we dreamed of doing.  That was the primary interest of our group, made up of local actors, directors, and the sole theater critic (me).  It was one of the finer evenings I've had in ages and I long for such experiences more often in my life.

They need not be "fancy" or formal.  In fact, probably the best parties are easy, when you decide that having them is easy.  Good food, good conversation should be relaxing.  But, there are practical and useful reasons to have dinner parties beyond just the mere socialization they encourage.  You can learn "soft skills" ---things that are reportedly lacking in many Millennials these days, according to employers at the corporate level.  The art of face-to-face communication and adjusting to people and connecting with them in social settings is a useful skill to develop and transfer to your work life.  Once you're able to find things in common with others and when you learn to broaden your conversational topics and diversify your circle of acquaintances, you can adapt to many new situations with comfort and style.  That makes you useful at work, too.

It also gives you the opportunity to become more at ease with table manners and eating with others.  I've mentioned so many times that manners are not meant to exclude people; they are meant to make more people feel comfortable and to put everyone on an equal footing in social situations.  When people know what is expected, they can stop feeling a certain way about themselves and focus on conversation and socialization.  That comes only with consistent practice.

Is it important to know that you set a table with flatware from the outside in?  Maybe not to you right now, but there will come a time when you're in a formal situation and you'll want to be aware of these timeless points of protocol.  Forks to the left; knives to the right.  You can teach children how to remember this simple table setting convention by saying, "F-O-R-K...L-E-F-T; K-N-I-F-E...R-I-G-H-T."  If you're a parent, having people over for dinner and doing it in a structured way will help your child become more social and more comfortable out in public with others.  As the Europeans do, please do incorporate your children into your dinner parties with adults.  It'll teach them manners and patience and it'll give them exposure to food and manners.  It'll also teach them the art of conversation and more importantly, becoming interested in other people.

In other ways, having friends over for dinner is a stress reliever and a great way to unwind, once you get over the anxiety of having people over for a meal.  Laughter, good food, and people you find interesting and with whom you are comfortable creates a healthy home for you.  Learn to relax with others, instead of zoning out in front of the TV alone at night.  In our society today, most of us are exhausted by the idea of being around other people.  It's because we've created too many options to be alone and a culture that discourages community, in so many ways.  

At any rate, practice with small intimate parties where you set a table for the occasion.  Honor the occasion by dressing it up with flowers and linens.  Learn to understand the likes and needs of others by asking them beforehand what they like to eat and drink.  Practice being a good host and also learn how to be a wonderful guest.  

The "dinner party" is important not because it is something affected or archaic.  Quite the opposite.  It's important because it brings more people, more ideas, and more opportunities into our lives.  It's important because it helps us grow.

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